Madonna Ain't Got Shit On Derek's Vogue
by TheHalfDrunkMonkey
Summary: He's pretty sure their snark can actually cause WWIII if they keep it up.


**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN TEEN WOLF**

They're all sitting around the table at lunch making jokes and basking in 'pack'. Isaac and Erica are snarling at each other over something and Lydia is giving Jackson that 'you are so stupid' glare. Scott and Boyd are talking about some new game they're planning on buying at a midnight release next month. And Stiles, Stiles is just watching them with this almost fond look in his eyes. Things are a little calmer now that Grandpa Batshit is gone and the Argents have just given upon going after them(there are only so many times you can be outsmarted by teenagers before it becomes pathetic).

Stiles is mid swallow when Danny stomps over and slams an opened magazine in front of him.

"Your _cousin _would make a great Playgirl."

He looks down and chokes, actually chokes, on his water because there is _Derek Hale_ in all his cut glory on the page of Danny's magazine. And after Isaac worriedly pats him on the back and he can start breathing again he looks down at the picture of Derek. Who is arching off a wall half naked with his pants riding way, way low on his hips. He's pretty sure this picture is going to get middle aged housewives into more of an excited tizzy than '50 Shades of Terribly Written and Portrayed Porn'.

He doesn't know what to say and Danny flips the page. Oh look there's Derek again looking really unfairly attractive in a suit. On the page across he's sitting on the back of a bike covered in 'photo shoot grime' smiling. Still making Stiles want to punch him in his overly attractive face like it would do anything except make Stiles' hand hurt. Maybe he'll throw a brick at Derek's Camaro instead. After he rubs it on Scott to hide his involvement. Or Jackson.

Danny ruins his violent fantasies by speaking. "He wasn't that cut the last time he was stripping in your bedroom." Danny was giving him the 'I will make you pay' look Derek usually gave him after he crossed a line. Or seven.

Before he can stop them everyone in the pack is leaning in to see the magazine that Danny flipped back to the first page. He covered his face and groaned because he could feel them all looking at him. He was not going to explain why Derek was in his room to the noobs or the werepuppies. And he was never ever going to admit that Derek had stripped in front o f him. Ever.

He smacked his head down on the table and heard a flop of paper. He looked and noticed he was eye level with Derek's bulge. Lydia actually giggled when he sat up and made a face.

"So, Stiles, want to tell us why Derek was giving you a striptease in your bedroom?"

Maybe if he did a line of pepper the nurse would send him home?

He's not going to answer he just ignores the 'tell me or DEATH' looks both Lydia and Erica are giving him as he closes the magazine. He glances at the cover as he hands it back to the Hawaiian teen. It's Vogue. Figures. He's not judging Danny, he's actually judging Derek.

It's been seven months since Derek turned alpha and Stiles still hasn't decided if he likes this new Derek. It's not even because Derek is mean or evil. It's because Derek is a smart ass and Stiles can't handle that. Yes their snarking back and forth is hilarious to the pack but Stiles' mind is still reeling.

He's pretty sure the crazed housewives can be blamed on their snark actually. He may have told Derek something along the lines of "Why don't you just get a job so you can pay for an apartment instead of lurking in 'axe murdery' places? I hear Vouge and GQ are hiring. You should look into that since you're actually smiling now."

Derek had skipped town for a few days and Stiles had been worried he actually hurt the alpha's feelings. But he came back and sent them all the address to his new apartment. He skipped town for a few days from time to time after that and none of them ever questioned it.

Things were so much clearer now.

**-Breakline-**

Derek tells them he'll be home around noon on Saturday and they need to have a pack meet. So they loiter around Derek's apartment door from 11:30 to 12:15 when Derek shows up. The betas are all over him making happy sounds and they get about six feet inside the apartment before Derek freezes. The girls start to giggle even though now is clearly not the time if the 'murdery' vibes even Stiles can feel are anything to judge Derek's mood by.

Even though it cost him $300 Stiles is proud of his work. The framed 4' X 6' poster of Derek's slutty Vogue picture is hanging on Derek's wall over the back of the couch. There was a tiny silver metal plaque under it with one word.

'PLAYGIRL.'

Even when Derek pinned him to the wall with a snarl and actual claws he just laughed. He couldn't help it.

"How did you get in here while I was gone?"

"Picked the lock."

Derek actually lets out an 'Alpha Growl' in Stiles' face and his eyes are red. Stiles still can't stop laughing.

All of this started as a joke. The poster was just there so Derek would never live it down.

"Shut up. I will kill you. I swear to god I will kill you."

"You actually listened to me. I was just kidding about being a model."

He cackled and ducked out from under the man's arms. The girls bow to him with grins and he knows they're about to say something he'll regret.

"We will now defer to you from now on. Clearly you are wearing the pants in the relationship."

He will forever thank Isaac for doing something stupid. The curly haired beta giggled.

And Derek lost his shit.

He landed on his back hard with Derek right above him teeth out, forehead getting bumpy, and snarling. He understood where this was going, Derek wanted him to submit. He did the next best thing. He leaned up and placed a kiss on Derek's lower lip. It stops the alpha in his tracks and there is a really tense moment where Stiles thinks Derek might attack him. And he does.

With his lips.

Stiles lets out this surprised squeak and feels Derek press closer to him. This isn't exactly how he planned on this going but he's okay with it. He pulls his mouth away from Derek's to speak at the others. He's quite proud that he can still form a full thought and execute it in a sentence.

"You guys need to get out because in about two minutes no one in this relationship is going to be wearing pants."

The betas have to _drag_ Lydia and Erica out the door.

**HalfDrunk**


End file.
